Musings
by RebelByrdie
Summary: A look inside the heads and hearts of three women upon the return of Alex Cabot to the New York DA's Office. Alex, Casey and Olivia reflect and lament on thier lives. Warning: Femslash AO.
1. Musings of a Woman in Love

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I claim to, the characters and premises of Law and Order SVU (Or Conviction, since I suppose that must be mentioned now...) Everything recognizable belongs to the creators and the television networks that hold the appropriate contract rights. No financial gain was made with this writing endeavor, please don't sue...I'm a poor college student with fish to feed and books to buy.

Author's Note: The inspiration for this story came from my initial reaction to _Conviction's _premire episode. It went something like this: What the hell! How...when...does Olivia know! So I rolled it around in my mind...and this is what I came up with. Three parts for three women. _Musings of a Woman in Love_ is Alex; _Musings of a Forgotten Woman_ is Casey; _Musings of a Woman in Turmoil_ is Olivia. I realize that this fic is a bit...vague and out there...but I really like it personally and would LOVE some feedback.

**Musings**

**By RebelByrdie**

_Musings of a Woman in Love_

How could she have ever left her? Her beautiful brooding avenger. Those dark eyes, so deep, so full of pain, so full of love. She'd gone because she thought she'd had to. Now she was back. She'd almost come too late. She'd come so dangerously close to losing her to another. The first time she'd seen her when she came back, it took her breathe away. She'd been with the other. The two had been sharing a smile. The kind of smile they'd once shared. It danced on the razor thin line between friendly and something more intimate. So much and so little had changed. All she had wanted to do is take her in her arms and not let go. She hadn't though, she kept her cool exterior, controlled herself. Dark eyes had lit up at the sight of her. She'd gotten a hug. Lighter eyes looked upon her in shock, fear and challenge. She asked the woman she loved to dinner that very night and walked on the clouds when when she'd gotten a 'yes'.

They'd gone out to a little out of the way restaurant and had talked until the sun rose. When she packed her tired brown eyed girl into a cab, she'd stolen a chaste kiss and that gave her the energy to go through the long day ahead. They'd stolen innocent touches and light kisses as their paths crossed at work. They spent their time off together and soon their two apartments began to merge into one entity separated by half a city.

She was where she belonged now, lying beside her love in bed. She ran her hands across smooth skin and sighed. She would never leave her again. The first time was painful and they'd not even shared a kiss. The second time had been heart wrenching, because she'd stared into those fathomless dark orbs and had seen love and devotion, she'd run from them. She couldn't leave a third time, it wouldn't be just a broken heart, it would be deadly. She loved her brown eyed detective with all of her heart and soul. It was addictive, love. Sometimes, she called her in the middle of shift, just to hear her voice...just to remind herself that this wasn't a dream. She was a woman in love and that was all she needed.


	2. Musings of a Forgotten Woman

Musings of a Forgotten Woman

She shook out her hair. Gone was the rain strait golden locks she forced on herself. For the first time in a long time, she looked at her real self. The red tinted naturally wavy locks were the ones she'd been born with. She'd forced herself into platinum servitude with one goal in mind, to capture the dark eyed brunette coworker that haunted her dreams. She'd failed, failed miserably. Now, she was alone, staring at herself. It was impossible not to compare herself to the natural blonde she'd lost to. She'd been outclassed from the start. Intelligence, grace and a pedigree longer then the constitution itself wrapped up in a blonde haired blue eyed package. When she'd seen them together, it had physically hurt like a punch to the gut or a knife to the chest. She'd held herself steady, though. She'd fallen back on the cool exterior that she was so well known for. On the inside, she shattered like cheap glass.

She'd lusted after shapely legs; dreamed of short silky dark hair and fallen for sad brown eyes. She'd lost her broody goddess to another. If, if, if, ran through her head. If she'd been a better friend, if she'd been kinder, if she had worked harder, if she'd made her intentions clear, if she had confessed it all and thrown herself at her love's mercy. She hadn't. She'd lost and could do nothing now. Her buetey was happy, she could not...would not begrudge her that. The smile that had graced her face had lit up the room, her laugh echoed in the halls, but not for her. Never for her.

Now she pulled on too tight pants, too small a top and too much makeup. Tonight she would go out and find a brunette dopleganger to fill her bed. It would ease the pain of loss. It was a one night stand that turned into a desperate string of one night stands. They were all so much like her lost love, but not. They were never the same. She was going insane, trying to replace her. It was all for naught, because each time blessed release came, she saw only her, heard only her and always cried for her.

Some didn't ask, didn't want to know. Others were spited, pissed at the mistake. Some offered pity or advice. They were all kicked out before the sunrise. She was stuck in a viscous cycle of need and pain. Every time she kicked the newest stand-in out of bed, she stumbled to the bathroom to purge. She purged the enormous amount of liquor she'd imbibed, she purged the shame of cheap sex she'd taken. No matter how long she prayed to the porcelain god, though, she could never purge the burn of unrequited love. It burned too deep, too strong and too hot to be controlled or put out.

She worked too hard. Whispers about obsession and fatigue followed her heel clicks down the hall. Concerned eyes followed her; brown eyes of a friend who would never be anything more. Every time she got out of bed to dress for work another chink came out of her rusty armor, another fray in the mask she wore every day. Then the blue eyes burned her, warning her off of claimed territory. She couldn't handle the stares anymore. She shook her hair and resigned herself to pain. She was a woman forgotten and that was her own fault.


	3. Musings of a Woman in Turmoil

Musings of a Woman in Turmoil

She was blissfully happy. Her beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed Valkyrie, her angel of justice had returned to her, had saved her, loved her. Lying in her arms was like heaven, no it was better. Without her she'd been incomplete. Without her the demons had run amuck, consuming her soul piece by piece. Now she was back where she belonged.

Yet...there had been a time when the pain hadn't been that sharp, it had been a half-healed wound, tended by a beautiful fiery redhead. They hadn't gotten along at first...but than something had shifted, something had changed. Friendly gestures had become something more...a siren's song, calling her to a new passionate love. She had come so close to following her heart's cry. There had been hope there, guiding her through the darkness she'd shrouded herself in. She had offered warmth instead of self-imposed icy loneliness. She had offered a hand to help, to hold, to love...she'd come close to giving in to the need, the want. Then she returned, come back for good. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, her soul mate had come back to her.

Then they were both there, so beautiful, so true. She could see them both and knew that both were special, unique, beautiful in their own ways. Their strengths and weaknesses played together into a strong whole. Both women were passionate, smart and breathtaking. Both women had a chunk of her heart. Only one of them was her soul mate, though, and she could not fight the fate laid out before her. Her soul, her other half, her destiny was intertwined with only one of them. She had chosen.

One of them was made whole and one was shattered. She watched as one blossomed and the other wilted. It wasn't fair, she had lost one to find another only to lose again. She wasn't worth it, wasn't worth all the pain she caused. When the woman she'd forsaken came in, tired and bitchy, she felt a bitter guilt rise in her gullet, when she saw her beautiful lover smile, she felt a flood of compassion and love. She was a woman in turmoil and she didn't know when, if ever it was going to end.


End file.
